I want to drown.  Maybe dying from not being able to breathe would be the most ironic death I could have, maybe it would be my perfect death. But I'm fine, I'll be fine, everything will be fine, and there is no point in thinking about death, or fuel the panic attack that I had just moments ago.  

However, I really want to cry… I feel like giving up, could I?  No, I can't, but that doesn't take away the desire to do it. I feel so pissed off, so scared, and I don't want to feel that way anymore.  

Could anyone help me?  Could this human being, who can help me, help me?  Please help me, I am fed up, you have no idea how unhappy I have felt all these years, I want to continue to feel good as in these last months… could you be compassionate enough to help me? or you? god? could you?  

I'm tired, I have a lump in my throat and I want to cry.  I'm tired, please, 

I beg you, please. 

I'm feeling all of /that/ again, and I'm letting it crush me just because I feel like I don't deserve to ignore all of it crushing me.  

So today, for these moments, as I write this, while I feel my heavy breathing and the vestiges of the pain that not being able to breathe caused me a few moments ago, just for now I am letting myself sink into the familiar pain in which I have lived for years. Just for now. Just for now. 

I’m gonna count down.

I’m gonna believe that whatever happens now is what had to happen, and that I am going to solve it, that in the end everything will work out.

When i get to number 0 I’ll try to take a deep breath, I’ll stop crying, I’ll smile, and carry on.  

I'll get up from the hole that I sat in, and I'm going to fix it.  Everything will be fine, right?

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

0

Everything can feel extremely heavy and overwhelming but is going to be okay and it's not worth it feeling this bad. It’s not worth sinking into the hole, I have to feel good and move forward, because whatever happens I will be able to. I will be able to.  

And if someone is reading this you can too.

HALSUISOOOOOOOOO.

Inopia.